For all the women who ever thought themselves unworthy, I share this.
I am a good wife because
I am not a worthy or good wife because I am not the Christian I should be. I don’t follow the biblical example. I don’t give my husband the respect he deserve at all times. I don’t make enough money for him to not feel like he’s got to carry me or that I’m not a financial burden…
And it goes on for a couple more paragraphs. I berate myself as both a woman and a wife. I had not one thing to list under the “I am a good wife because” section, because at the time I really didn’t think there was anything about me that made me a good wife.
I came across several writings from when I was barely 25 and in the span of just a few pages I can see the broken person I once was alongside the dreamer I will always be. Even when no one else knows your pain or how you feel remember that time passes, new choices can be made, and if you take risks on your behalf your dreams can become real.
It was in August of this same year that I left traditional Christianity (that’s another story) and began the journey to wholeness where being broken, unworthy, and undeserving were no longer the standard of existence. I struggled for years in that marriage trying to do something impossible – please my husband. Just a matter of weeks after leaving my religion we were expecting our first child. I stayed in the marriage for nearly three more years but in that time, I never did become a good wife, despite trying. And you know what? I’m glad. Had I been successful in being what he wanted me to be at the detriment of my mental and emotional health, I would have never had the courage to be who I needed to be or who my daughter needed me to be.
Just a couple pages away in this little notebook from fifteen years ago, I also found this short writing dated one month after my 25th birthday.
The Artist to be Born
I believe that there is an artist inside of each and every one of us – a writer, painter, sculptor, actor, dancer musician. She is pregnant with anticipation at the birth of a new child. She is overdue and burdened by the extra load she bears, desiring to bring forth the artist who must be born. Her other children await with hope, happiness, fear, and anticipation of the newest arrival into the family. Will she be a great one? Will he change the way the world perceives us?
I often wonder, about myself and what expression of art I am to conceive. What is longing to be born from me? Longing for me to grow so something new can be discovered. She, like a mother, wants to be proud of me. She expects great things. I know that it is my challenge and I cannot let her down. She has born great ones. She has born those who’ve revolutionized the world. She’s even bore the ones who you nor I will ever know for their achievements weren’t marked in the great pages of history. She bore the starving artist, that we may never forget the dream or the effort. She bore the stand-in and the extras that we would retain humility. She bore the backup singer that we would never forget the contribution of another in our lives.
What will my experience be? How will I affect the world? What is my expression? Am I willing and ready to see it born? Will I allow myself to be challenged, that I might rise to it and perhaps be that great one? Will I allow myself to be one who changes the perception of the world?
I share this now, as a forty-year old mother of two, happily remarried, and finally embracing the artist within as a writer of fiction and non-fiction. The young woman who wrote both of these things is now free. There was an artist wanting to be born from me, wanting to contribute to the world, and little did I know fifteen years ago when I wrote this that I would find it the same year that I finally gave birth.
Are you still waiting to give birth to your inner artist? What will your experience be? How will you affect the world? What is your expression? Are you willing and ready to see it born? Will you allow yourself to be challenged, that you might rise to it and perhaps be that great one? Will you allow yourself to be one who changes the perception of the world?
Interested in my story of leaving traditional religion? Read The Fall and Rise of Faith: Leaving Religion and Finding God.
I do believe that we are near a time of great transition. Some will call it the end times but time has no end. It will keep going. This planet will not end. It will keep going. The only thing that will end is the way we exist on this planet. If we aren’t committed to changing for the better, we will get exactly what we have put into process. It feels to me that after we have been civilized for thousands of years, we truly lack the evidence that says we are civilized. We continue to kill, steal, lie, cheat, and practice selfishness at the expense of our fellow man and the planet.
Who are we? Why do we do this? We allow the most base parts of our nature to rule over the spirit. Must I remind you that we are spiritual beings that happen to be having a physical experience? Must I remind you that when you kill, steal, lie, or otherwise hurt another that you are at the same time hurting yourself and every person you claim to care about. That circle of connection is wide and reaches far, touching everyone. No one escapes. None of us live in a cocoon. We are in this together.
Before we change anything we see in this physical plane, before we complain about what we have going on, pick up a mirror and take a good hard look. That’s you. That’s you. You start with you. Every single one of us needs to have the courage to start with ourselves and change our consciousness. Raise it to a higher level where we remember the truth that we are one, that we all exist together on this planet, that what happens to one happens to all, and that together we can change what appears to be a mess. Then and only then, when we raise our consciousness, will we start seeing the changes we are crying out for.
Look in the mirror and be willing to start within because it is always as such – as above (in spirit) so below (on earth). Don’t say you’re waiting on God and don’t blame the devil. God has given us everything we need. He gave us free will, a mind, and a spirit. You can use them in the good way that you are supposed to use them. You have the freedom to change your thoughts, to think higher thoughts, to rise above the muck and the distraction that we are fed daily and that keeps us wallowing in what feels like despair.
Don’t be fooled by the illusion, by the deception, and the trickery. Don’t just listen to what talking heads say. Hear the truth behind it. All is not as it appears. There is more happening than what many would have us see, but trust and know that if we collectively rise up, it will be alright. I trust that it already is.
The Prayer of Protection (By James Dillet Freeman)
The light of God surrounds us;
The love of God enfolds us;
The power of God protects us;
The presence of God watches over us;
Wherever we are, God is!
Remember, Heaven is Now.
All the best,
I wrote The Castle and Her Lady while thinking about society on multiple levels. I considered society, the country, the world and how we must come together in the face of troubles, to collectively save ourselves – as represented by the societal group we may be a part of. Our lady (our collective existence) is within this castle (societal and governmental institutions). The castle is crumbling, those charged with maintaining order are uneasy, the people are restless and wanting to see the castle fixed. But not in the same way, better. Hear us, let us in to help. We are resilient and if we see our lady is struggling, like a child in water, we will do what we must to save her.
The Castle and Her Lady
By Bernette Sherman
Shadows loom as dark clouds brood
Above the castle’s walls
The stone is chipped
The panes are cracked
The guards tense where they stand
Outside the high and pointed gates
the people round and wait
A crack of lightning strikes,
but in some distant place
Oh not so, as it comes close
The thunder claps around
The sound deafens the cries and pleas
of those who take the second watch
And where they’ve planted their weary feet
they peer through the cold steel bars
No one hears them, no one sees
They’re hidden in the descended mist
They’re lost in thunder, lightning, fog
Look there! Do not be distracted, blinded
Your focus, now, is required
You must only pass through the gates
You masons, builders, architects
Come now you dreamer and the child
Come now philosopher and scientist
Run with all your tools in hand
To the castle ‘fore she falls
Gather round to hold her up
She requires every one of us